Let's talk

I know I usually tell you about my past. And believe me, it'll help you understand me in the long run. But for right now, let's just talk.


I spent the night with my sister. We drove around and talked. And honestly it's the closest I've ever felt to her. We threw away the brother/sister relationship fot a few hours and talked like two close friends should. And while we were talking, she made me realize quite a few things. She helped me realize a lot about who I am. She made me see that I'm not always the terrible guy I see in my head. And she made me realize something big. If I had been born a man, I would be a terrible person. Up until I was 16 I had some very misguided beliefs. And every one of them was a belief of my parents. If I had been born a man, I wouldn't be the man I am today. And as much as I may hate him, he's not a bad guy. Actually, despite a few flaws, he's shaping into a fine young man. If I had been born a guy, biologically a guy, my whole life would be different. Now, I know some of you just scoffed and said "uh, duh, Aiden. You'd have a dick. That's pretty different." It's more then that. Chances are, I wouldn't have the friends I have. I wouldn't have the opinions I do, the opinions I'm so proud to claim as mine. If I hadn't felt so alone, I doubt I would have befriended the art kids that I did. I probably would be a conservative christian with strong republican viewpoints. I would have been a volunteer firefighter content with working some lame job in the same lame town my parents live in. I would have viewed homosexuality as a sin, labeled people with gender disorders as freaks of nature and generally had small minded view points about anyone that wasn't white and straight and christian. In all fairness, I would have been everything that I would hate to be today. You're probably flabbergast and going "No way, Aiden! How could you think you'd be like that! Why wouldn't you be the same creative, open minded guy you are today?" Well, that descriptive closed mindedness I just described? Those were my parents and my grandparents opinions. I learned my own opinions, the ones I have today, BECAUSE I was different. I look back on my 16 year old self and it's hard to even fathom. I don't even know him. He's like a ghost of another entirely different person who wanders around old memories.
Anyway, it's 6am and I should really sleep. I just wanted to share that with you. Because it blew my mind. And I know I don't do names on here to protect peoples privacy, but Natasha. I love you. You are the most understanding, intelligent and loveable sister any guy could ever ask for. You're one of the most beautiful women I have ever been graced to know, both inside and out. I truely hope that one day our children can play together Christmas afternoon as we reminise about all the memories we spent making these past 4-5 years and all the ones we'll make in the years to come. I sincerely hope you have the absolute most amazing college experience in Walla Walla and that all your life dreams are met beyond your expectations. Because you deserve it. I bet when you started talking to that loud, obnoxious kid in drama club you never dreamed of what it's become. I love you and I will miss you dearly.
-Aiden


P.S.- I hope that made you all tear up. Especially you, little sister.

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Um, my b

So, I may or may not have taken a month + long break because I suck (I did). But, I probably have a good reason! I'll...let you know it when I know. Anyway! I'm sorry and think it best if we just all move on with our lives as if I never left you. Awesome. So where were we before I never left you? Right. Little sister, 8th grade, no friends, confused.  (Sidenote: I moved across town during 8th grade)


I spent the summer after 8th grade babysitting. I had very few friends (which was painfully obvious at my 8th grade graduation party). But I kept thinking how high school was going to be different. It was bigger! Surely I wasn't the only one there... At that time I identified as a bi female. It still felt wrong, but it was the closest to what I thought I was. I had a hard time finding myself the first two years of high school. But I made friends. Freshman year was actually one of my better years. Which is kinda sad because even then it wasn't all that great. I made friends with two girls in my choir class. Which we happened to skip a lot. That was the only time I was assigned any punishment from the school. One of the girls and I ended up getting 2 extended detentions (2:30-5:30). Sadly, I didn't exactly learn from it, seeing how the second detention I ended up getting some cookies from my Algebra I teacher. My mother's punishment was a bit harsher though. I had to scrub the kitchen floor with a hand brush (how Cinderella sounding) and write a two page paper on how and why cutting class was detrimental for my future. It went something along the lines of "Bullshitbullshitbullshit I'll end up a heroin addict if I keep doing it bullshitbullshitbullshit". Ended up grounded for that one. I actually ended up grounded a lot. I was am a total smartass. It didn't go over well when I was a kid. But anyway. Home life was the same as it had been. I babysat a lot, but school dances and occastionally hanging out with my friends did happen. It was nice. I started doing really well in school, grabbing honor roll my final marking period. I joined the schools GSA and made good friends with my English teacher. He was such a chill guy. He stood up for me in class a few times. I really wish I could contact him again, he made a nice impact on my life. My friendship with the two girls crumbled. I can't even remember why. I'm sure it was over some really stupid shit, like most high school relationships. Summer came back and I hated it. I went back to not leaving the house. Going to my dads house was my only relief. But it wasn't really enough. I starts cutting myself. I still have a patch of scars from it on my upper left arm. Most of them are faded but you can still see a few. By this time I had come out as a lesbian. It still didn't really feel right. But dating guys didn't interest me. So everyone just saw me as (and called me) a butch dyke. I did a good job of embracing it. It helped the bullying reside. Can't make fun of someone in front of the class if they're already doing it. My mom ignored it pretty well. She could. I had a girlfriend, but she lived in Mass. and we mostly just talked online, on the phone or over text message. The last one was hard, I only had a pre-paid cell phone and had no job. I was a pretty big dick to my first girlfriend. All this stuff happened online, but I feel like that doesn't excuse me. I cheated on her a few times and got caught. But she kept takin' me back. Which leads into Sophomore year. Which you get to wait for. Yay! Tell all your friends. I want to be spread around like roadkill on a pavement.


See ya next time, kids.
-Aiden


(Donate and comment and love me and stuff)

I'm back!

Hello everyone. I am back. Doin' a bit better and now you can read about me again. Let's get back to where we were, shall we?


Yes, so at 12 I tried to commit suicide. My plan was to wake up early and walk to some local arches and jump off. In a twist of fate, my alarm clock didn't go off and my mother found my note before I woke up at all. So when I did wake up, we went to the ER, I was evaluated and sent home. And then that was it. We never talked about it again, my mother never hugged me or talked to me about my feelings (yeah, it's one of those stories) and my depression was just...ignored. The positive that came out of this was, I made a friend. 3 actually. Upon returning to school, a classmate walked up to me and asked me if I had been sick. Not wanting to lie, I replied 'sort of'. She asked what happened, a few times since I was hesitant to revel what had happened. But eventually I did and so my first friendships cultivated. That friendship lasted well, up until 8th grade where differences slowly tore us apart. They helped me through a lot. There was a lot of drama back the, petty drama compared to other things but you know how teenagers are. Everything is the end of the world. 7th grade wasn't terribly exciting, my mother was still seeing that scumbag and my dad was going through his thing of finding the right woman. 8th grade got pretty interesting though. My dad was fighting for custody of us. My mom moved us across town to a new house, got pregnant and married previously mentioned scumbag. I also came out as bisexual. Maybe not right, but hey, I was still discovering myself. I actually learned of the term from my cousins while playing the board game LIFE. And it seemed fitting, ya know? I liked girls, that was for sure. I had (have) the biggest crush on Emma Watson, ever. And I had to like guys, right? Because that was normal. Or expected of me. Anyway, that kinda took a toll on the friendships I had created. It was weird, we lived in a small town in a Conservative county. All the elements to make life a little bit harder. Come March, my sister was born. Man, I loved that little girl from day 1. My mother and step father didn't do much. I was put in charge of watching her and caring for her. That's how I spent my free time for a very long time.


Next time on 'What Makes A Man?'.
Will Aiden post an entry? Will he inform you of his life? Will he use WORDS? *bumbumbum*


The answer to all these questions....is yes. See you next time.
-Aiden


P.S.- continue to spread me around the Internet like Mylie Cyrus spreads herpes. And if you can go to the bottom of my page a click the donate button to donate to hormones and such!

Ughhh

Sorry guys, I think I'm gonna hold off on posting the next few days. I know, I suck and I'm really sorry. Been battling some heavy bouts of depression and self esteem issues these past few days. But I need to get past that before I start posting about memories that take me down that road as well. So, check in regularly I'll start posting again soon, I promise.
-Aiden

10-12

So where did we end off yesterday? Right, my father. Well, he dropped custody of me and I haven't seen him since. So now I was at my mothers all the time. She and my step dad worked a lot so my brothers and I were watched by our grandparents. Still. Except for being extremely confused and depressed, things were okay until I was about 12. I had, not over come my fathers rejection, but rather replaced him with the man who had always been there for me. I eventually started calling my step dad, dad. (Things get kinda confusing around this point for people so to clearify I will call my mothers second husband dad and my biological father as father. I'm avoiding real names so bear with me I'll make a key) However slowly dad kept coming home later and later. One night my mother stopped by my door on her way to bed and simply told me 'Dad won't be coming home for a while.' That's how I learned about my parents divorce. I remember when they told the oldest of my brothers. The word divorce wasn't used until I heard my mom and dad telling him. I didn't see him for at least a month...and besides my depression it sent my mother into a deep depression. She only left her bed to go to work. I helped take care of my brothers and my grandparents pick up the rest of the slack. Eventually my dad found a place to live. He got partial custody rights of us all. That partial custody would be my haven in the years to come. Especially because not terribly long after my mother started dating. And by dating I mean she took the first man to show interest and clung like no tomorrow. He was a stupid red neck with a temper. It only forced me to spiral into what felt like a never ending depression. I was hitting puberty and let me tell you...that's the real eye opener for a trans person. It meant I was never going to be able to just be 'one of the guys'. I was never going to grow up and be a dad or a husband. And it made me weird and different for wanting to be. Besides all this, I didn't have friends. I was in middle school, alone. Eventually all that got to me. I tried to commit suicide. At the age of 12.

Birth - age 10

OK guys I guess I should give you that background post I've been promising. I don't know how much I'll write 'cause I'm pretty beat but we'll leave where ever I end on a To Be Continued. So lets just do this, huh?


My mother had me when she was still in high school, at 17. My father had already graduated, but my grandparents raised me instead. My father wanted a little boy and was extremely disappointed when that didn't happen. A lot of people, especially my mom, blames him for how I am. I don't buy that. That would imply this is...fixable. Anyway, I jumped between grandparents a lot as a baby all while my father tried to fill his fantasy of having a son. When I was 1 my parents got married. When I was 2 they divorced. On the bright side I was young so the divorce didn't tear apart my life in the way divorces to older children do. And despite my parents opinions I never had that fantasy of them being together again. I liked the guy my mom married when I was 3. He was a great guy and was often there for me more then my father was. My mom and step dad had a son when I was 4. When I was 6 my mom was expecting again and by 7 my dad had remarried. My mom and step dad weren't home a lot because my mom was working and getting her college degree and my step dad worked 2 or 3 jobs depending on the year. So when I was with her, my grandparents took care of me a lot. My stepmother had a son from her previous marriage only a year younger then me. You'd think we'd get along well but mostly he made fun of me. See, as a kid whenever we played house, I wanted to be the dad. When it came to playing with toys, LEGO's and G.I. Joe's and pretending my bike was a motorcycle was way more enticing to me then dolls or... you know what, I can't think of stereotypical things girls play with. But you get the idea. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd answer 'Fireman' because my father was one. I had a black jeep PowerWheels that I LOVED. So, because I wasn't like other girls my stepbrother tormented me about it. Besides his torment my stepmother felt threatened by me for whatever reason. She just did not like me, at all. Nothing I did was right. Eventually, my father dropped all custody of me at the age of 9 or 10 (I honestly can't remember, it's been a while) per my step mothers request. According to my family I strived to reach him, to get him to be my father again. But nothing I did made a difference to him.


OK, this is where I leave it To Be Continued. I know it wasn't an awfully long post, but it took a while to write. I'll try and update tomorrow night. Remember, spread me around the internet like racist jokes at a trailer park. Night.
-Aiden

Storm

I wanted to share this artical that my sister found for me because I completely agree with it. I'll dive into that some more when I post a background later tonight. http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110524/ts_yblog_thelookout/parents-keep-childs-gender-under-wraps

In other news I got all my stuff moved out and feel a bit of weight off my shoulders.

Sorry guys

Sorry guys I was hoping to do a real post today, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I ended up going to the doctors today to get a ripped incision checked out. This appendectomy is being a serious pain in my ass. Anyway the Doc said I was ok, I just had to take it easy. Which should go well when I move tomorrow. I hate taking it easy and I hate being useless when there is stuff going on. >.< Ughhh anyway. So yeah, I'm moving tomorrow so I'm not sure if I'll get around to posting tomorrow. But I promise I will give a background post by Wednesday night! Feel free to comment or ask questions or generally spread me around the internet like butter on warm toast. Keep checking up on my blog!
-Aiden

Hello!

Hey everyone. Just figured I'd post something small until it's a decent hour to do some telling. Just a quick background, my name is Aiden. I'm a trans man living in New Jersey. I am female to male and came out to close friends and family about April of 2008. I've been aware of my differences in my gender perception all my life but had no idea it was a big deal in anyway. I just figured some little girls wanted to be Mommy's and some wanted to be Daddy's. But I think I'll save that for another day since the clock just struck 03:00. Thank you for reading my page and I hope you'll continue to check in on what I have to say.
-Aiden