Sorry guys, I think I'm gonna hold off on posting the next few days. I know, I suck and I'm really sorry. Been battling some heavy bouts of depression and self esteem issues these past few days. But I need to get past that before I start posting about memories that take me down that road as well. So, check in regularly I'll start posting again soon, I promise.
-Aiden
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
10-12
So where did we end off yesterday? Right, my father. Well, he dropped custody of me and I haven't seen him since. So now I was at my mothers all the time. She and my step dad worked a lot so my brothers and I were watched by our grandparents. Still. Except for being extremely confused and depressed, things were okay until I was about 12. I had, not over come my fathers rejection, but rather replaced him with the man who had always been there for me. I eventually started calling my step dad, dad. (Things get kinda confusing around this point for people so to clearify I will call my mothers second husband dad and my biological father as father. I'm avoiding real names so bear with me I'll make a key) However slowly dad kept coming home later and later. One night my mother stopped by my door on her way to bed and simply told me 'Dad won't be coming home for a while.' That's how I learned about my parents divorce. I remember when they told the oldest of my brothers. The word divorce wasn't used until I heard my mom and dad telling him. I didn't see him for at least a month...and besides my depression it sent my mother into a deep depression. She only left her bed to go to work. I helped take care of my brothers and my grandparents pick up the rest of the slack. Eventually my dad found a place to live. He got partial custody rights of us all. That partial custody would be my haven in the years to come. Especially because not terribly long after my mother started dating. And by dating I mean she took the first man to show interest and clung like no tomorrow. He was a stupid red neck with a temper. It only forced me to spiral into what felt like a never ending depression. I was hitting puberty and let me tell you...that's the real eye opener for a trans person. It meant I was never going to be able to just be 'one of the guys'. I was never going to grow up and be a dad or a husband. And it made me weird and different for wanting to be. Besides all this, I didn't have friends. I was in middle school, alone. Eventually all that got to me. I tried to commit suicide. At the age of 12.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Birth - age 10
OK guys I guess I should give you that background post I've been promising. I don't know how much I'll write 'cause I'm pretty beat but we'll leave where ever I end on a To Be Continued. So lets just do this, huh?
My mother had me when she was still in high school, at 17. My father had already graduated, but my grandparents raised me instead. My father wanted a little boy and was extremely disappointed when that didn't happen. A lot of people, especially my mom, blames him for how I am. I don't buy that. That would imply this is...fixable. Anyway, I jumped between grandparents a lot as a baby all while my father tried to fill his fantasy of having a son. When I was 1 my parents got married. When I was 2 they divorced. On the bright side I was young so the divorce didn't tear apart my life in the way divorces to older children do. And despite my parents opinions I never had that fantasy of them being together again. I liked the guy my mom married when I was 3. He was a great guy and was often there for me more then my father was. My mom and step dad had a son when I was 4. When I was 6 my mom was expecting again and by 7 my dad had remarried. My mom and step dad weren't home a lot because my mom was working and getting her college degree and my step dad worked 2 or 3 jobs depending on the year. So when I was with her, my grandparents took care of me a lot. My stepmother had a son from her previous marriage only a year younger then me. You'd think we'd get along well but mostly he made fun of me. See, as a kid whenever we played house, I wanted to be the dad. When it came to playing with toys, LEGO's and G.I. Joe's and pretending my bike was a motorcycle was way more enticing to me then dolls or... you know what, I can't think of stereotypical things girls play with. But you get the idea. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd answer 'Fireman' because my father was one. I had a black jeep PowerWheels that I LOVED. So, because I wasn't like other girls my stepbrother tormented me about it. Besides his torment my stepmother felt threatened by me for whatever reason. She just did not like me, at all. Nothing I did was right. Eventually, my father dropped all custody of me at the age of 9 or 10 (I honestly can't remember, it's been a while) per my step mothers request. According to my family I strived to reach him, to get him to be my father again. But nothing I did made a difference to him.
OK, this is where I leave it To Be Continued. I know it wasn't an awfully long post, but it took a while to write. I'll try and update tomorrow night. Remember, spread me around the internet like racist jokes at a trailer park. Night.
-Aiden
My mother had me when she was still in high school, at 17. My father had already graduated, but my grandparents raised me instead. My father wanted a little boy and was extremely disappointed when that didn't happen. A lot of people, especially my mom, blames him for how I am. I don't buy that. That would imply this is...fixable. Anyway, I jumped between grandparents a lot as a baby all while my father tried to fill his fantasy of having a son. When I was 1 my parents got married. When I was 2 they divorced. On the bright side I was young so the divorce didn't tear apart my life in the way divorces to older children do. And despite my parents opinions I never had that fantasy of them being together again. I liked the guy my mom married when I was 3. He was a great guy and was often there for me more then my father was. My mom and step dad had a son when I was 4. When I was 6 my mom was expecting again and by 7 my dad had remarried. My mom and step dad weren't home a lot because my mom was working and getting her college degree and my step dad worked 2 or 3 jobs depending on the year. So when I was with her, my grandparents took care of me a lot. My stepmother had a son from her previous marriage only a year younger then me. You'd think we'd get along well but mostly he made fun of me. See, as a kid whenever we played house, I wanted to be the dad. When it came to playing with toys, LEGO's and G.I. Joe's and pretending my bike was a motorcycle was way more enticing to me then dolls or... you know what, I can't think of stereotypical things girls play with. But you get the idea. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd answer 'Fireman' because my father was one. I had a black jeep PowerWheels that I LOVED. So, because I wasn't like other girls my stepbrother tormented me about it. Besides his torment my stepmother felt threatened by me for whatever reason. She just did not like me, at all. Nothing I did was right. Eventually, my father dropped all custody of me at the age of 9 or 10 (I honestly can't remember, it's been a while) per my step mothers request. According to my family I strived to reach him, to get him to be my father again. But nothing I did made a difference to him.
OK, this is where I leave it To Be Continued. I know it wasn't an awfully long post, but it took a while to write. I'll try and update tomorrow night. Remember, spread me around the internet like racist jokes at a trailer park. Night.
-Aiden
Storm
I wanted to share this artical that my sister found for me because I completely agree with it. I'll dive into that some more when I post a background later tonight. http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110524/ts_yblog_thelookout/parents-keep-childs-gender-under-wraps
In other news I got all my stuff moved out and feel a bit of weight off my shoulders.
In other news I got all my stuff moved out and feel a bit of weight off my shoulders.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sorry guys
Sorry guys I was hoping to do a real post today, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I ended up going to the doctors today to get a ripped incision checked out. This appendectomy is being a serious pain in my ass. Anyway the Doc said I was ok, I just had to take it easy. Which should go well when I move tomorrow. I hate taking it easy and I hate being useless when there is stuff going on. >.< Ughhh anyway. So yeah, I'm moving tomorrow so I'm not sure if I'll get around to posting tomorrow. But I promise I will give a background post by Wednesday night! Feel free to comment or ask questions or generally spread me around the internet like butter on warm toast. Keep checking up on my blog!
-Aiden
-Aiden
Hello!
Hey everyone. Just figured I'd post something small until it's a decent hour to do some telling. Just a quick background, my name is Aiden. I'm a trans man living in New Jersey. I am female to male and came out to close friends and family about April of 2008. I've been aware of my differences in my gender perception all my life but had no idea it was a big deal in anyway. I just figured some little girls wanted to be Mommy's and some wanted to be Daddy's. But I think I'll save that for another day since the clock just struck 03:00. Thank you for reading my page and I hope you'll continue to check in on what I have to say.
-Aiden
-Aiden
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