Let's talk

I know I usually tell you about my past. And believe me, it'll help you understand me in the long run. But for right now, let's just talk.


I spent the night with my sister. We drove around and talked. And honestly it's the closest I've ever felt to her. We threw away the brother/sister relationship fot a few hours and talked like two close friends should. And while we were talking, she made me realize quite a few things. She helped me realize a lot about who I am. She made me see that I'm not always the terrible guy I see in my head. And she made me realize something big. If I had been born a man, I would be a terrible person. Up until I was 16 I had some very misguided beliefs. And every one of them was a belief of my parents. If I had been born a man, I wouldn't be the man I am today. And as much as I may hate him, he's not a bad guy. Actually, despite a few flaws, he's shaping into a fine young man. If I had been born a guy, biologically a guy, my whole life would be different. Now, I know some of you just scoffed and said "uh, duh, Aiden. You'd have a dick. That's pretty different." It's more then that. Chances are, I wouldn't have the friends I have. I wouldn't have the opinions I do, the opinions I'm so proud to claim as mine. If I hadn't felt so alone, I doubt I would have befriended the art kids that I did. I probably would be a conservative christian with strong republican viewpoints. I would have been a volunteer firefighter content with working some lame job in the same lame town my parents live in. I would have viewed homosexuality as a sin, labeled people with gender disorders as freaks of nature and generally had small minded view points about anyone that wasn't white and straight and christian. In all fairness, I would have been everything that I would hate to be today. You're probably flabbergast and going "No way, Aiden! How could you think you'd be like that! Why wouldn't you be the same creative, open minded guy you are today?" Well, that descriptive closed mindedness I just described? Those were my parents and my grandparents opinions. I learned my own opinions, the ones I have today, BECAUSE I was different. I look back on my 16 year old self and it's hard to even fathom. I don't even know him. He's like a ghost of another entirely different person who wanders around old memories.
Anyway, it's 6am and I should really sleep. I just wanted to share that with you. Because it blew my mind. And I know I don't do names on here to protect peoples privacy, but Natasha. I love you. You are the most understanding, intelligent and loveable sister any guy could ever ask for. You're one of the most beautiful women I have ever been graced to know, both inside and out. I truely hope that one day our children can play together Christmas afternoon as we reminise about all the memories we spent making these past 4-5 years and all the ones we'll make in the years to come. I sincerely hope you have the absolute most amazing college experience in Walla Walla and that all your life dreams are met beyond your expectations. Because you deserve it. I bet when you started talking to that loud, obnoxious kid in drama club you never dreamed of what it's become. I love you and I will miss you dearly.
-Aiden


P.S.- I hope that made you all tear up. Especially you, little sister.

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Um, my b

So, I may or may not have taken a month + long break because I suck (I did). But, I probably have a good reason! I'll...let you know it when I know. Anyway! I'm sorry and think it best if we just all move on with our lives as if I never left you. Awesome. So where were we before I never left you? Right. Little sister, 8th grade, no friends, confused.  (Sidenote: I moved across town during 8th grade)


I spent the summer after 8th grade babysitting. I had very few friends (which was painfully obvious at my 8th grade graduation party). But I kept thinking how high school was going to be different. It was bigger! Surely I wasn't the only one there... At that time I identified as a bi female. It still felt wrong, but it was the closest to what I thought I was. I had a hard time finding myself the first two years of high school. But I made friends. Freshman year was actually one of my better years. Which is kinda sad because even then it wasn't all that great. I made friends with two girls in my choir class. Which we happened to skip a lot. That was the only time I was assigned any punishment from the school. One of the girls and I ended up getting 2 extended detentions (2:30-5:30). Sadly, I didn't exactly learn from it, seeing how the second detention I ended up getting some cookies from my Algebra I teacher. My mother's punishment was a bit harsher though. I had to scrub the kitchen floor with a hand brush (how Cinderella sounding) and write a two page paper on how and why cutting class was detrimental for my future. It went something along the lines of "Bullshitbullshitbullshit I'll end up a heroin addict if I keep doing it bullshitbullshitbullshit". Ended up grounded for that one. I actually ended up grounded a lot. I was am a total smartass. It didn't go over well when I was a kid. But anyway. Home life was the same as it had been. I babysat a lot, but school dances and occastionally hanging out with my friends did happen. It was nice. I started doing really well in school, grabbing honor roll my final marking period. I joined the schools GSA and made good friends with my English teacher. He was such a chill guy. He stood up for me in class a few times. I really wish I could contact him again, he made a nice impact on my life. My friendship with the two girls crumbled. I can't even remember why. I'm sure it was over some really stupid shit, like most high school relationships. Summer came back and I hated it. I went back to not leaving the house. Going to my dads house was my only relief. But it wasn't really enough. I starts cutting myself. I still have a patch of scars from it on my upper left arm. Most of them are faded but you can still see a few. By this time I had come out as a lesbian. It still didn't really feel right. But dating guys didn't interest me. So everyone just saw me as (and called me) a butch dyke. I did a good job of embracing it. It helped the bullying reside. Can't make fun of someone in front of the class if they're already doing it. My mom ignored it pretty well. She could. I had a girlfriend, but she lived in Mass. and we mostly just talked online, on the phone or over text message. The last one was hard, I only had a pre-paid cell phone and had no job. I was a pretty big dick to my first girlfriend. All this stuff happened online, but I feel like that doesn't excuse me. I cheated on her a few times and got caught. But she kept takin' me back. Which leads into Sophomore year. Which you get to wait for. Yay! Tell all your friends. I want to be spread around like roadkill on a pavement.


See ya next time, kids.
-Aiden


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